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Supposed by many to be armed and dangerous, this deranged girl escaped from the Looneyville Mental Asylum late Tuesday afternoon. According to staff at the facility, the patient constructed an explosive device solely out of a rubber band, a slipper, some stale porridge, and a plastic spork. Local chemists believe that a fair amount of nitroglycerin may also have been involved, although the Asylum firmly denies reports of illegal chemical storage at the facility.

One staff member, Jose Quantras, actually witnessed the escape. He reported hearing a "loud boom," in the vicinity of the patient's room and going to investigate, and found the corridor filled with smoke. Peering through the smog, he was able to make out the figure of a girl skipping down the hall away from him. Quantras noted that the girl was "singing "Teddy Bear's Picnic" at the top of her lungs." He attempted to give chase, but lost sight of the teenaged girl in the smoke-filled halls. He heard several more loud explosions at the perimeter as the alarm went off. Quantras ran outside and saw "several gaping holes" in the outer wall. He believes that the girl made her escape into the woods bordering the facility after breaking through the walls. Several perimeter guards were rendered unconscious from the explosions during the incident, although no one was seriously hurt.

Police have been dispatched to apprehend the patient, and a search perimeter has been set up surrounding the entire state. Authorities are confident that the escapee will be apprehended soon. The girl is described as "5'7"", with short blond hair, green eyes, and a crazy smile." The police ask anyone who has seen a girl fitting this description to report it immediately. The public is also warned to keep their distance, as the girl is described as "dangerous and just plain weird."


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